Funerals aren't for the Dead,

they're for the living. Seriously.

So after I received the news of my grandfather's passing I had to reschedule a few tests and miss some reviews so I could be with my family. We got to my grandparent's house on Wednesday afternoon, and it was eerily quiet. I'm used to being there with at least my older cousins there (during the winter) or my little cousins there (during the summer, 'cause they live nearby). But it was just my dad, mom, grandma, and I. Like I said, eerie...and a bit lonely.

Well that night was the viewing. Now a viewing is when people outside of the family (old friends, nurses and other colleagues, patients -  my granddad was a pediatric surgeon) can come in and view the body of the person that has died. We (meaning the four people mentioned in the first paragraph) were supposed to stay there for the full five hours. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through the viewing without crying at least once, so when my mum (about 30 minutes in) decided to go get a look at granddad in the coffin, I grabbed her arm and walked in beside her. I had no idea it would affect me as badly as it did. See, some people have to see the dead body to truly let go and let themselves be free. Or something like that, I'm not sure. I'm just positive now that I can't do that, because the minute I came within two yards of that coffin I stopped dead in my tracks and said
"Mom, I'm not going any closer."

She had told me in the car drive back to our house (a day prior) about when her grandmother died. Her family was insistent that she go look in the coffin. Insistent to the point that her father (my grandpa) grabbed her by the arm and tried to drag her in. But she said that the corpse inside was just a husk, something that used to house her grandmother's soul but no longer did. I guess that was my reaction. I hated seeing that: my grandfather, so full of life and funny stories now covered in all the makeup and whatsoever to make them look better after they die. I couldn't stand there and look at him...at it. That's what I said when my mom came to get me out of the other room (which was away from the other people). "I can't look at it mom, it's not him. It's just...just a thing."

I cried, like most other people would, took a few laps around the building in the bitter cold, then came back in and was fine for the rest of the evening. The funeral and service happened the next day and passed quickly, which was just fine with me. I also got a chance to see all my cousins who I won't get to see this Christmas, which was way fun. And even though it seemed like nothing had changed, everyone was still as happy and talkative as ever, I realized something...someone, someone very close to us was missing. there was a hole at the end of the dinner table where he used to sat. Whenever we would say grace he'd squeeze my hand and tease me by poking me with his thumbnail, and I'd respond by doing the same. I'm gonna miss that. There's just an empty chair there, and I can't sit there. I tried, but I couldn't. It hurt too much.

It was funny though...all through the funeral service I had Bob Marley's "Don't Worry Be Happy" running around in my head...a sign maybe? I don't know. He's up there watching us though, keeping an eye on us.

Mom and I boarded the plane today with a sigh of relief to have it finally be over. Or at least I did. It was a late flight, and we reached the city of Dallas just as the Sun was beginning to set over the horizon, casting blood-red and bright orange streaks along the clouds surrounding the city. That whole day I'd just been thinking about what had gone on this week, what was coming up in the next few weeks (finals, meeting old friends, etcetera), and I was worrying. No reason, I'm just a worrier. Then I looked out the window and noticed the Sun's golden rays reflecting off of the many pools and lakes in Dallas, making it seem like someone had taken nuggets of gold and thrown them all over the countryside. It was dazzling, and is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and the moment I saw that I knew everything was gonna be all right. Meeting the old friends, passing my tests, everything seemed to melt away. "Don't worry, be happy" I hummed, then leaned my head against the window and watched the jewels glitter in the sunset.

Goodnight everyone, good luck on finals (to those of you who have them)!